falling in love in korea

Love and Marriage in the Land of the Morning Calm
From the book Seoul Survivor: Living and Working in Korea by Ryan Weaver.
Reprinted with permission from Eunhaeng Namu

The evolution of the concept of love in Korea is nearly as mind blowing as the development of the Korean economy. Whereas the modern Western concept of love has been based on Romanticism for generations, Korean relationships were, until recently, founded solely on something called “jeong," which is quite a bit different. In much of Western philosophy, romantic affection is created by the separation of two individuals (think Shakespeare for a moment); jeong, on the other hand, describes a bond between two people which is believed to be more important than either person. This deep-rooted commitment to the relationship invariably supports Confucian values, such as a woman’s devotion to her husband under all circumstances, and the preservation of marriage as an obligation to one’s family and to society.

The concept served both marriage partners well years ago when women lacked the financial independence to leave their husbands, and divorcees were outcast by the community. Women would stay home and cook and take care of the children while their husbands did as they pleased without fear of reprimand from their other halves.

These days, however, the institution of marriage has gone through a fair amount of change, most notably due to the fact that women now have much greater opportunities to provide for themselves (although I wouldn’t venture as far as to call it equal footing in what is still a rather male-dominated society). With materialist and individualist ideas creeping their way into Korean society, even the concept of romance has been transformed, as for many it serves as a more palatable alternative to what they grew up watching their parents endure (or not endure).

Nonetheless, one will find that in Korea today, parents still have considerable influence on their children's choice of spouse,especially if they have deep pockets.In Korea, children often remain dependent on their parents longer than the average American, for example, with many young working adults living at home until they get married. Needless to say, by the time the "emerging adult" in question approaches the magic age of thirty, wealthy parents will be looking for an appropriate suitor to assure them that the wedding day will be the last expense they incur, at least until grandkids come into the picture. Meanwhile, middle class folks will just be happy to cut their kids loose so that they can make a last-ditch attempt at preparing for retirement.

You may wonder how foreigners fit into this equation. Well, it’s a little complicated. Aside from looks of curiosity, an international couple might also face the occasional scolding from older men in public. They may, for example, accuse the Korean partner of simply dating a foreigner without their parents’ knowledge, or outline the consequences that “blood mixing” with a foreigner will have on offspring and family lineage. But all in all, such encounters with conservative Koreans could be argued to keep relationships together just as much as tear them apart. The real fun begins when a couple takes the next step and gets married.

With regard to marriage, Koreans will say that you are not just marrying an individual but also the entire family. I am not sure how much significance such a statement has in other cultures, but in a Confucian-influenced one like Korea's, it is not to be taken lightly. Some things to consider before tying the knot are: the scale and cost of the wedding, what you will be expected to bring to the table financially, and what your obligation to both your new spouse as well as their family may entail.

In what many westerners may call a worst case scenario, you could end up living together with your mother-in-law and helping to support your wife's younger siblings finish college. So it’s best to sit down with your spouse and have a frank chat about expectations and plans for the future,just like one would be recommended to do in the Western hemisphere. The difference is that greater potential obstacles may be lurking around the corner if you choose to forgo the realistic stuff until each other's hormones come back into check. From my personal experience, however, I believe that with love and understanding (perhaps a little extra dose of the latter), an international relationship or marriage can work. Just be sure to be proactive in resolving difficulties before they arise,and hopefully you will have already learned the importance of such advice through experience, before you find yourself in love.